I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
