I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
