someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
