is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
