I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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