Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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