I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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