I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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