Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
