Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize