Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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