I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
