Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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