hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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