you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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