I just cut my nipple shaving
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
