Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Randomize