12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize