no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
