The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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