My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
