Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize