I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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