i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
