yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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