lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
