And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
