we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
