My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
