Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
