my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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