apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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