I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
