so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
