I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
