I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My sheets look like a crime scene.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
