the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
