if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
