He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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