I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
