well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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