i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
