What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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