here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize