Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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