Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
