I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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