I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
