my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
