you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
