It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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