Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
