either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
