Someone shit on the floor
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
