sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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