I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
